Sunday, February 24, 2013

Making Love...

A good friend of mine is getting married and as part of her bridal shower the hostess asked guests to write down any marriage advice, tips, etc. we could pass on to the bride. I put a lot of thought into the letter to her, and I think it’s pretty fucking good, actually. So, I’m passing it on to you.
If you are married, then I hope you are happy and maybe can use some of these tips to be even happier.  If you are single, then take this advice to heart.
1)    Make the right choice in a partner the first time! (Lots of blog posts can be written about this one, but this is a good summary). (Actually, so is this).  
2)    Notice I used the word “partner” above. Marriage is a partnership and things should be 50/50. Obviously there are some days when one person is more up or down, but overall, things, life, home, kids, etc., should be a shared responsibility so neither of you feels overwhelmed or used up, etc.
o   That said, when it comes to little details, don’t ever expect a man to remember things. You should always pack, or at least double check, the diaper bag. Trust me.
3)    Rock – Paper – Scissors. When you and “Sam” reach an impasse, big or small (picking a paint color, who lets the dog out, to have kids or not, ya know, the basics…), do ONE game of R-P-S. Not ‘best out of 3,’ just one. Winner doesn’t gloat. Loser doesn’t whine.
4)    Do not keep a record of wrongs. Meaning, he makes mistakes. You make mistakes. State the facts, reach an understanding, agreement or conclusion and move on. Once it’s over, it is over. Don’t bring it up again in a different fight. That’s fighting dirty and holding on to previous disagreements doesn’t do either of you any good.
5)    Ask, “Is there anything I can do for you today?”, when you can. Obviously this won’t be every day, but when you know you will have some free time, or you are going to the store, ask what you can do for “Sam” to help him out. He’ll notice, and it will come back to you.
6)    Sex. I know you’re tired and totally don’t feel like it, but commit to having sex at least 3 times a week. It is truly a bonding act. And, it’s like running. Once you get moving, you’re usually pretty happy you did it. J

Tell me, readers, what makes your marriage/relationship great? Share your advice in the comments section!

Also, if you are enjoying my posts, be sure to sign up for my email list. (See top right corner of blog). I promise to only email you when a new post is up on the site!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Cellulite Cure?

One of my most read posts is “How Bad Is Your Cellulite?” I can just imagine people all over the world searching the internet for cellulite remedies (welcome to the fucking club) and they happen upon that post.
Well, don’t get too excited yet, but I think I may have found a cure… well… at least a minimizer for cellulite! What is it??
Heavy Lifting!
I have said it before, and I know you lazy shits have not changed your exercise routine at all, but maybe this will motivate you.
I have definitely noticed a visible difference on the back of my legs in regards to the appearance of cellulite as I continue to incorporate heavy lifting into my work-outs. Now, will THAT get you to step off your treadmill and pick up a fucking weight? Not just a mini dumbbell, I want to see you with a 45 pound bar with some 25 pound plates on that sucker!  
My legs look more shapely, firmer, stronger and I swear to you, those dimples have seriously diminished.
Don’t believe me? Read these articles:
·         Can Lifting Weights Get Rid of Cellulite? By LiveStrong

·         The Hated Cellulite Cure that Works  By BoxingScene

·         Get the Skinny on Cellulite  By FitnessRx

Go on, I dare you. STFU and try something new. You might actually start to get those results you keep looking for.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Not Happy :-(

You haven't heard from me as much lately because I have been busy. Like, really busy. Like, unhappy busy.

I have.however, confirmed something about myself over the past few months of insanity:

I hate the "process"!!!!

I am a results person. I want to get from Point A to Point B as fast as possible. Fuck smelling the roses; they are taking up my time. Just get me to the damn destination so I can fucking relax. (Sounds relaxing, doesn't it?)

Starve the body to lose the weight. Lift heavier to raise the ass. Do more work in one day to get the project done sooner. Anything to just do it faster.

Even SEX! My poor huspand... Don't get me wrong, he is a very happy man, but forget cuddling, let's get to the conclusion so we can go to fucking bed, shall we?!

Why am I saying all of this? What are the pearls of wisdom I have learned and want to pass on after these past few months?

1.   Being overloaded sucks. (Yeah, duh, I know) When this happens to you (and likely it will be too late when you realize it), just get through the shit-storm and then re-evaluate. What went wrong? What was something that you could have done without or not 'taken on'?
2.   Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. Are you fogetting, missing or passing up things you once loved because you are too busy, tired, stressed?

3.    Learn your "max time". What is your "max time limit" for a project? Meaning, how long can something go on before it becomes a major stressor for you. There is a fine line between "temporary" and "I'm fucking over this!" mentality.

     NOTE: this includes pregnancy, you ignorant men! It is not temporary, it is an 18 month process that rocks our bodies and our worlds, so shut the fuck up!
4.  Be honest with yourself. What does this kind of insanity maybe mean on another level of your life? Does it mean you need to work less? Get more childcare to help out? Maybe even not have that 3rd child? I'm serious. You can't keep up high stress forever. It will make you sick, mentally and physically.
I guess what I hope you get out of this post is the need to both understand and set your own limits before everything feels like its crushing you.

I have learned more about my limits, and in the future I know I need to better balance things so I am happier. Cause ya know what? Happiness is really fucking important.

So STFU and Have a Nice Day!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Happy New Year. You are Likely a Failure.

88% of you will fail.
Yup. 88% of you making those New Years’ resolutions will fail, according to an article in the Wall St Journal  (and about 100 other articles). Simply said,
We should respect the feebleness of self-control, and spread our resolutions out over the entire year. Human routines are stubborn things, which helps explain why 88% of all resolutions end in failure…”
Also no surprise, resolutions are almost always about some type of personal improvement – weight loss, fitness, saving money, relationship stuff, getting organized. These are not items I would put on my “easy fix” list, and should not be treated as if you will attain them overnight.
You did not get fat (or broke, or messy) overnight. You did it through years of poor choices. Recovery from long-term bad behavior takes a long fucking time.
The same article cited above goes into how the brain is a muscle and we need to train our brain for success in our ‘said resolutions’. Small changes are manageable, livable, and will train your brain to slowly take on more… and more… and more… until, Poof! You have made a true characteristic change. You and the other 12% (remember, 88% fail…).
As I say in my About Me, “Action is not easy. Change is not easy.”  I will give you tools and tricks, information and facts, but you, my dear, will have to actually do the heavy lifting – figuratively and literally. So, Shut the Fuck Up and let’s get started. Now. Like, right  now, Fucker. No, you cannot go have ‘that last meal before the diet.’ N.O.W.

Here are a few things to get you started. I do these things.
1)    Water. Water. Water. (Absolutely no soda or juice. Ever.)

2)    When you are madly craving dessert or a sugar fix, try this: Suck on ONE Dark Chocolate Hershey Kiss. Do not bite it. Suck. Taste it, slowly enjoy it. Then wait. I promise you will survive and it will curb your need to eat the whole cake. 

3)    Push-ups (on knees or toes), Sit-Ups (or crunches) and Lunges during commercial breaks. Change it up during each commercial break and do the exercise to exhaustion. Whatever you do, just move your body and build muscle. Be careful, though, you might start to feel good…

For lots more on New Years’ Resolution Statistics, Click Here.
And here is one of my favorite quotes to get you motivated (and stop feeling sorry for yourself). Join the club of “you just have to do it.”
“No justification, no matter how convincing or true, ever transformed failure into success… This is fitness’s beautiful simplicity. You either lift the weight or you don’t… Almost doesn’t count.”

Monday, December 31, 2012

Two Sizes Too Small?

Phew! Thank goodness Christmas is over!
(Is it weird that I feel uncomfortable saying “Thank God” Christmas is over? Somehow I think that is especially bad being that is was Jesus’ birthday and all). But in any case, Thank Fuck it is over! (Hummm. I don’t think that is much better.) Regardless…
There are a few things I learned about myself this holiday season. For you veteran moms out there with more than 2 children, working and hosting any function – my hat is off to you. How do you do it and not hate the world?
My learning’s, and suggestions, based on this past month:
1)    Do NOT take on additional projects for work. Yeah, I know, duh, but I have my own company and work means a straight-up check coming my way.

a.    Suggestion: Do not take on an additional project UNLESS it is a big dollar amount. That way I still might hate the world, but I can feel better after a sweet vacation with the money.

2)    Do NOT try to get your kids in their nice holiday outfits (all 3 of them for the different parties) when they are tired or hungry. Yes,dear, I know you hate to wear the stupid dress and the stockings suck, but beauty IS PAIN. Might as well get used to it now!

a.    Suggestion: Dress the baby after the bottle and before the nap. Who cares if they drool a bit on the outfit… they’re fucking in it, aren’t they!?

3)    Do NOT say YES to everything. The holiday season is filled with parties and extras galore. Most of the time you get there – even if you didn’t want to go – and are glad you went. However, you are going to regret it come 12/24…

a.    Suggestion: To make it through the whole “season” (which is basically Thanksgiving through January 2nd), be choosy. Do you LOVE these people? Is the party close by? Do you have to bring anything? Have you really enjoyed their parties before? If not, you might want to rest up because a storm is a brewin’!

4)    Say YES to something you DO enjoy (or need).

a.    Suggestion: Maybe have a glass of wine every night until the insanity is over. Add on a few extra yoga classes. Dare I say, have a little something sugary after dinner. Or – in my case – a massage… like, weekly!

Ahhh, I missed writing these posts. Work has been nuts and, as you can see from the above, I have been drowning in all the holiday joy. Fa, La, Freakin’ La.  Hang in there, everyone. It’s almost over.
And THEN it will be New Years! A time for resolutions, or as I like to call them for most people, “Best Intentions.”  To avoid this fallout, I say you should  Shut the Fuck Up and let me be your personal coach for 2013. I promise to give you the tools to motivate your fat, lazy, not doing anything to improve your situation asses. Bad news though: YOU have to do the work.  Stop Talking. Start Doing.
p.s. Anyone notice the “Grinch” reference in the headline? That’s my nickname around my house for the month of December! Bah Humbug, fuckers!!
p.p.s. Want to know when I post? Sign up for the STFU email list and I will send you an email ONLY when a new post is up. It's on the top, right side of the blog page.  

Sunday, December 2, 2012

In Loving Memory...

My husband's grandfather - last living grandparent - died a few days ago. He was 91, had lived a great life and was very ready to leave this world.
It's nice when a funeral can be a celebration that is actually filled with laughter and visiting with family and friends, as opposed to sorrow and distress.
A couple of interesting things happened over the last few days that I found to be good lessons…
1)    My father-in-law told us about how Grandpa was loved by everyone. He never said a bad thing about anyone and always was positive, patient, kind and considerate.

·         Lesson: No one will ever, ever say that about me at my funeral. I mentioned this to my husband who laughed and said the quote, “‘Well behaved women rarely make history.’ You, my dear, are definitely not well behaved.”   Yeah, I can live with that. (Quote from Laurel Thatcher Ulrich)

2)    When we told our 4 year old daughter that Grandpa had died and he was going to be in Heaven with God now, she paused, thought, and responded with a hearty, “Well, Congratulations! He’ll be able to hang out with Mum-Mum!”

·         Lesson: What a wonderful perspective. Congratulations, indeed. I imagine Heaven, based on the teachings I am aware of, is a pretty awesome place. A place where he is much happier.

Do you ever wonder what people will say at your funeral? Is it what you hoped for, or are there changes you want to make now that will last long into the future? That said, above all, be true to yourself. I always harp on this idea of "Owning It."  I own the fact that I am not well behaved. I can accept whatever people say at my funeral because I know I rocked it while I was here.
Are you rocking it? 
Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.     Pope Paul VI